Sunday, August 14, 2016

Waiting to words.

Photo by djb
I didn't realize how long I have been holding my worded breath.  Two years apparently.

This past week a quiet break appeared in my summer schedule and I reacquainted myself with my love for words.  I let out a long needed 'exhale' and starting writing again.

I'm attempting to write a book.  It's  turned more into bits and pieces of some mystical Hero's Journey than anything real or personal, but I'm writing it anyways.  I need it.  It has morphed just as I have.

I used to write in a straight line, but now I'm finding it more fun to just wind my way around random thoughts, without feeling the pressure to build accuracy or sound structure.  I can't tell you how freeing it is to be spontaneous and random with thoughts on paper.  And not fear this to be a fault.

Taking a closer look at the structure of my own life, I realized I actually preferred living more in that winding flow as a daily practice.  I started to fall more and more into a 'soft-landing' lifestyle.  The hard edges of responsibility combined with intense critical thought, began to feel more like a disgruntled relative than a cherished friend.  When I was constantly in survival mode, I was either running in a fear or flight mentality, so my foundation became the rock I almost died on....a few times, actually.  Allowing a softer acceptance to wash over that strong obsession in keeping things neat and tidy, almost made me frantic.   But I kept going, taking baby steps, creating space to slow down, be present, and not fret about the future.

I am still unpacking this challenge.  I value responsibility and critical thought.  But I need spontaneity and present moment awareness just as much.  Then it becomes all about balance.  I discovered I don't need to embrace one at the desolation of the other.

There's no need to split myself in two to be accepted.  It's not all or nothing.  Learning to live with both the flow and the corners.  It's a gentler world.  I need that.  Don't you?

Until next time,


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